THE CONFESSION: EXPERIENCING JNU

Kshirod B B Nag*

I joined JNU as an M.A. student of Sociology in the year 2008. I didn't have any idea about 'caste', 'class', 'gender' 'social change', 'revolution', 'Ambekarism', 'Marxism', 'Maoism' or any other '-ISM' for that matter, except Gandhism and Hinduism (As if one has birth-right to know these two -isms). I had come to JNU with a baggage of norms and values, ingrained in my mind and heart through the socialization process available in my surroundings. That was imposed on me with a particular standardized colour and flavour. During those times, I was proud of being a Hindu to malign the 'others'-especially the religious minorities. I was proud of doing it, precisely because, i had guts to do that and why not, after all, I could defeat my 'enemies' with the endless weapons of my 36 crores deities. I was only and only a proud Hindu. After I came to JNU, I was desperately searching for a shelter here, which could confirm to my norms and values and also could be protected and perpetuated. 'Fortunately', with the help of my best friend Sandeep Kumar Rao, I found a shelter under the umbrella of ABVP. I was very happy to get it to share my aspiration of becoming a 'true nationalist'. I was happier for getting support from the organisation (ABVP) to actualize my notion of nationalism.

'Luckily' with the 'God's grace' I was able to stay in Periyar in my friend's room and introduced to many persons of my thought (I was allotted to stay in Narmada Hostel, but most of the time I would stay in Periyar). I was feeling excited for the kind of 'acceptance' I got from my seniors namely- Sameer Bhai (A born Muslim but Hindu practitioner), Manoj Kumar, Sakti Prasad Srichandan and many others. It was like a sense of pride, especially in the time of Durga puja, to be part of the organisation like ABVP. I was feeling more enthusiastic and 'inclusive' on the assignments being given by my seniors to be fulfilled to make program like Durgapuja a huge success. After all, a strong Hindu devotee at heart and mind. We had a close peer group for fulfilling all this 'patriotic' activities. I Used to maintain Vivekanand version of brotherhood and reverence in front of my seniors. I used to feel a strong bondage of brotherhood along with other members. Some of my fellow brothers, who were also part of that same fraternity includePyarimohan Maharana, Chinmaya Maharana ( now also they are close to my heart) and many others. I used to feel proud of collecting money (Durgapuja Chanda) from door to door (I, along with my friend Sandeep Kumar Rao, was assigned to take care of Periyar hostel), arranging flowers and fruits to offer 'Devi-Durga', and so on. Oh, how can I forget of not being considered as 'pure' to sit nearby the 'Devi-Durga' unless I took a bath. Therefore, I used to take bath everyday twice, once in the morning and so in the evening, to prove myself 'pure' like a 'Brahmin'. To prove myself more 'pure' even than a Brahmin, I was keeping 'half-day fast' for whole six days during 'Durga' puja..

I was a 'complete' person, a true nationalist both at theory (RSS) and practice (looking at Muslims as an enemy). I was very angry and therefore disinterested to attend any public talk organised by Phule-Ambedkarite organisations like UDSF and AIBSF, as they always would hold talks on caste, and it was humiliating for me. Being a Dalit, it was difficult for me to come out of the identity crisis during those times. Equally disturbed by Marxist organisations like AISA, SFI, AISF, as they always talk of persisting economic inequalities in the society and it was thought to be undesirable for me. I was very upset and angry, precisely because these organisations were polluting our 'nation', such anti-nationals were destructive to my 'Hindu society'. Sometimes, I was thinking of giving them a lession, but unfortunately these organisations were not in a mood to show muscle power rather to invite always for debate and discussion, where I was unable to fit myself. So, there was a dilemma of daring to beat them up but simultaneously afraid of their debate and discussions, a 'Hindu-paradox' was in my mind. It went on for next three semesters of my M.A. program. Academically, I didn't care for my grades and used to escape books and articles relevant to my course, and kept away myself from the thinkers introduced by my teachers at the department. A very few thinkers like Gandhi, Aurobindo, Tagore, Nehru would fascinate me, those were taught by Prof. Avijit Pathak. These aforementioned thinkers were very interesting to be taught as they were, by and large, along with my lines of thought.

Once I, along with some of my other friends, was told by my seniors in ABVP to attend a public talk on caste atrocities in Khairlanji, Mharastra at Mahi Mandvi hostel, organised by UDSF. The intention of my seniors was to just gather the information from the talk and disseminate to them. That talk didn't bother me at all. As usual, that was useless for me. Only thing I started thinking of- whether the atrocity, which was the topic of the day, was merely manufactured by UDSF or it did really exist. I came straight to my room and tried to sleep and waited for the next morning to visit the cyber library and to check out the incident. I found it to be true but that was not sufficient to convince me. Again, I went for a talk in Godavari hostel on tribal displacement and POSCO Project in Odisha. This time I was not instructed by anyone, but had to attend for two different reasons- firstly, Prof. Anand Kumar had given me an assignment to be done on tribal displacement and lest the talk could be helpful for me; secondly, to have a glimpse of 'beautiful girls' at Godavari hostel. However, this talk introduced me to Marx and Mao, though these two were not convincing, but I developed a curiosity to know them better.

And, the journey began to understand the two different ideologies on the campus- Ambedkarism and Marxism. Started attending the lectures on various issues and was slowly felt of loosing my 'self' in my initial 'shelter' provided by ABVP. I began to discover new peer groups, who would always debate and discuss on various issues ranging from class, caste, religion, culture to gender, language and ethnicity. In my first semester of M.Phil, room number 42-Periyar hostel used to be the venue of discussion (room-42, now can be levelled as an anti-national space) . There, I could find my new friends like Lakshmi Prasad, Bibekananda Suna, Dinesh Kumar,Chandrasen Kumar, Pindiga Ambedkar, Chinmaya Mahanand, Ravi Nagar, and others. Usually, I used to be a spectator with few comments in the middle of the discussions, and eagerly listening to various perspectives on the issues. The group would broadly polarize into two camps- Ambedkar, Buddha on the one side and Marx, Mao, Lenin on other side. Simultaneously, I started participating in the academic seminars and listened to various perspectives. Started talking to my teachers like Prof.Anand Kumar, Prof. Vivek Kumar , Dr. Srinivas Gurram and other faculties (Nilika Mehrotra, Tanweer Fazal, Surinder S. Jodhka) at the centre and sought (have been seeking) their help in understanding sociological theories in real/practical sense. With the help of those teachers, I always had an opportunity to discover myself and tried to make a sense on the society I live in.

And now, in 2016, what do I mean by 'I'. Who am I now? What is my notion of nationalism? What do I mean by society, religion, gender, caste, class, etc. I find a huge difference in my understanding. I am not claiming to be a person of knowing everything, But, I can claim, that this process has evolved me, shaped my thoughts, taught me now to be patient in listening to others. The university has educated me on democracy-equality, liberty, fraternity, encouraged me to articulate thoughts and ideas in public space. Since then, my teachers, my friends, my dhabas, my parcha posters have been enlightening me. And, I am proud of all this. My loving 'MINI INDIA' JNU long live.

*The Author is a senior research scholar at Centre for the Study of Social System, JNU